novice Buddhist, expert neurotic. writer. aspiring adult.
sophcw at gmail dot com
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this week has been a total shitshow but at least i made these cool earrings
(i got a job at a jewelry store in wburg, i start next week)
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Today: fought way too much about Kanye on the internet, lost two Tumblr followers, gained one, ate a grilled cheese sandwich, found out I have to work a rave tonight.
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If I work at a job that I find morally reprehensible but makes me good money, then I’m doing well and a good citizen and fulfilling my obligation to society. Maybe someday I’ll make enough to give some money to a non-profit that’s doing good work to address all these problems we keep creating.
If I quit that job and try to do things that are at worst only somewhat morally questionable, or even that I actually think are good for the world, and I don’t make much money and require any kind of assistance if I have that option, whether it’s from parents, relatives, friends or the government, then I’m lazy, selfish, ungrateful, a “hipster,” a self-obsessed millenial, taking what doesn’t belong to me, a “rich kid,” over-privileged and full of hubris. I’m not the right kind of poor person. I should just get over it and grow up. I’ll understand when I’m older and have succumbed to the desire to be “comfortable” and stable. When I have some money of my own to protect and soothe my moral turmoil.
Which of these options leads to a system like this continuing to exist indefinitely?
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didn’t apply to any jobs today because i couldn’t tell which were just kind of terrible sounding and which were TOO terrible sounding, but at least i got an interview for one that seems kind of ok
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In the past month I’ve seen mountains. Lots of them, some with slivers of snow still on top. I’ve been so hot I couldn’t sleep. I’ve cried on the subway, in Wallgreens, on my couch with a fan on full blast two feet away. I’ve read a little of a long book and a lot of a shorter one. I’ve seen fireworks. I’ve tried to find work and mostly failed. I’ve learned that what I know intellectually doesn’t seem to have much affect on how I end up acting and feeling. I have spent time with people with much worse problems than my own. I’ve felt like everything needs to happen now. I’ve become more ok with the multitude of selves I possess, but I still worry I’m not inhabiting the best one. I miss caring about what I wear every day. I worry I’m not creating enough.
I want to do so much.
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I recently went through sudden, drastic life changes that were completely out of my control and not by choice. All of a sudden, there was no stability in my life; everything I’d viewed as constant slipped away. In this weird way, it became a catalyst for a drastic shift in my creative life as well. When the bottom falls out and you have to crawl your way out, when you get to the top, you’re alone— and you’re different than you were. If you let go and give yourself over to it, you’re lighter and freer, too. The album’s about fiercely holding on to what’s true and unapologetically abandoning what’s not.
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Mentall illness, depression, insomnia, personal troubles, and financial troubles aside, I do not at all mind living a life where I do something different every day and I have to be resourceful in order to do the things I used to take for granted. I did a focus group on cell phones yesterday (for money, obviously), and it was pretty disillusioning to see how deeply people care about the stuff they own. As right now I can hardly afford to pay for necessities, not to mention, like, a flat screen TV or something, our society’s religious devotion to consumerism is all the more apparent, and even more depressing. If I can make enough money to survive doing things I don’t hate and experiencing interesting art (which you seriously have to try to avoid in NYC, even if you’re broke) with people I care about, I really don’t need much else. Maybe someday I’ll be like “my Google™ brainchip is telling me that I only have 3.7 menstrual cycles left to have a child!” and I’ll need to deal with that, and if by then we aren’t living in The Road or The Matrix or Waterworld or whatever maybe I’ll have to settle down, or maybe I’ll just decide I want to, who knows! I guess the point is believing in things and trying to live according to those things might be worth it, and either way I’m finding out.
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